


The Meaning of Love

by TrashAYfanfiction



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: 1980s, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gender Issues, M/M, Outdated Language, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Prequel, Sex Work, Sexuality, Trans Female Character, Young Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-07-07 13:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15909363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashAYfanfiction/pseuds/TrashAYfanfiction
Summary: “I had a girl I really loved once, she died”Shorter taught him to think how other people feel, she taught him about his own feelings.Ash meets prostitute who’s ‘boyfriend’ is her pimp. She's in love with her pimp. Ash doesn't understand.Ash's interactions and conversations regarding what being in love means, and his feelings about himself.Ash/Dino vs Her/Pimp vs Him/Her 1980's





	1. Meeting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mikazuki_Nika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mikazuki_Nika/gifts).



> The start of my first intentionally multi-chapter fic. Planned to have about 10 chapters total compromised of clips. This is my child and planned to be about a 10,000 word monster. I write slow but am planning on updating Bi-weekly.
> 
> *DATED LANGUAGE

Ash never talked with Dino’s other pets, but he supposes pets weren’t what you would call them. Pet implied something that was kept and cared for, these boys were quickly discarded. Ash never saw a reason to strike up a relationship with them, they had nothing he wanted and they would be gone soon anyways.

Several venomously hated him and talked amongst themselves as to what made him so special. There were rumors he was a hermaphrodite, he was so beautiful. Ash sneered at them. If only he wasn’t Dino’s favorite.

The few he did talk to in the beginning were just depressing. Same situation as him; runaways, broken homes, childhood trauma. They were so scared. Some clung to each other and formed a sick brotherly bond, but just as many were scared of each other too. Angry, solitary, always looking out for who would throw them under the bus next and acting preemptively to stop it. Ash related with them, but that didn’t mean he was their friend. They attacked all the wrong people. They were unable to keep their rage inside and use it constructively. If their rage didn’t get the better of them, their need for love did. Many finally let their guard down, they let someone else in control who they thought could fix their life, and that ended them.

At the end of the day, they were all disposable. Ash knew this. He wasn’t afraid of being thrown away; his father had thrown him away at a young age, and he knew Griff didn’t abandon him for Nam, but it _felt_ like Griff abandoned him. If Dino abandoned him, he would be okay. He didn’t want that yet tho, there were benefits to being his pet. He didn’t fear death, but he wanted to survive.

……………………………………………………………………….

Ash had seen people like her before. People like her had their own section of street they normally worked. He wasn’t a streetwalker, but he knew who was around. It was safe to know who was around.

He had never met anyone like her though; sitting in Dr. Meredith’s office rifling through her purse as the nurse retrieved her a bottle of blue pills. She was tall and thin, with a negligible amount of chest, caramel brown skin. She spoke with a light accent. He called her a boy at first, an unremarkable Latina girly boy.

Still…. He had never seen someone like her up close; sitting across from him. He peered at her through the sheet divider as Dr. Meredith gave him a checkup.

Dr. Meredith caught him looking and smiled lightly, “She’s a transsexual, kid,”

Ash didn’t take his eyes off her, “I know,”

He was always thankful he was not like her, despite being told he would make a pretty girl; that he looked more like a tomboy than a boy. But he didn’t _hate_ people like her…

……………………………………………

He followed her out of the office, grateful that being a skinny short fifteen year old was usually seen as more of an annoyance than a threat. She was much bigger than him; at least a head taller even without the modest heels, and her shoulders were broad. Her muscles were wiry but more defined than Ash’s. Ash guessed she was around eighteen.

Her hair was an unruly but stylish mane of curls. She wore dark eyeliner.

He needed to know more about her.

 “What’s your name?”

It seemed like the best way to start a conversation.

She kept walking.

…..How…. How did guys get him to stop when they wanted his attention? Wait, that was a dumb question; He didn’t stop, and if they persisted he retaliated.

How did Shorter get his attention? Think. Think. Transparency. …..It was worth a shot….

“My name is Ash Lynx. I’m fifteen years old and I think you’re pretty!” It wasn’t entirely a lie.

He could hear her snort, “You’re not worth my time kid,” She called back.

He bit his lip. How….

She walked at a brisk pace. He trotted along to keep up with her. He tried to talk to her about Dr. Meredith’s office. Tell her he was relatively cool guy, that he casually but sternly kept tab’s on Ash and his medical records. He cared and got very little out of it, wasn’t that weird?

She told him to stop following her.

…he didn’t know what to say after that.

 

He continued to follow her subtly, making note of the shabby apartment she lived in. That another girl opened the door for her, glancing around before she let the Latina in.

Ash knew it was wrong to follow her. He’d attacked men for doing the same. Just because she wasn’t as violent as him didn’t mean this was ok.

 He left and didn’t show up there again.

…………………………………………………………………

The next time he was at Dr. Meredith’s she was there. He was cleaning shelves for pocket money when she showed up. He wasn’t in Golzine’s good graces at the moment. He’d snubbed the newest gift, and now he would be wandering for a week or two under light surveillance until they decided he learned his lesson and picked him up again.

Dr. Meredith trusted him not to steal anything. The few times he did steal were nothing they’d miss. The doctor took care of Griff for him sometimes, he wouldn’t risk losing that relationship. The worst he did was when the doctor gave him Xanax, he gave them to Shorter to sell. But he hadn’t even done that in a while. He told Dr. Meredith his anxiety was better. Dr. Meredith stopped giving him pills.

When she knocked he opened the door for her. She looked surprised to see him. She glanced at Dr. Meredith, noting the nurse wasn’t in today. She glanced back to him.

 

“….My name’s Vivian,”

She hesitantly she walked inside.


	2. Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was getting to know her. She made him feel like a kid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for any potential racial in sensitivities/inaccuracies; If you point them out I will be happy to oblige.

Vivian invited him to come see her at work after he’d charmed her at the doctors office. Dr. Meredith must have put in a good word for him. Though warned her he was a bit high strung. That’s okay, it was probably true.

She worked at a convenience store. Her aunt owned it. She only hooked when she needed the money. He was right, she had worked the streets.

The store was small and sold Mexican goods. It seemed to be well liked by the neighborhood, but they weren’t making much selling groceries. She told him they had been robbed a few months back and were still recovering from it.

The floors were linoleum and peeling. The lower glass of the front door was cracked, permanently dirty with age. There was a chalk sign on the inside of the store proclaiming what was on sale this week. He didn’t know what half of the things were. He didn’t understand the language that was spoken by most of the patrons, but it didn’t bother him.

He opened the door and the bell jangled. She looked up as soon as the door rang.

He was staring. It took him a moment to recognize her. He almost didn’t recognize her. She wasn’t wearing makeup. She was kneeling, re-stocking shelves. The scrunchie containing her poof of hair her only feminine garb. Her thin tan legs were immaculate compared to the floor. Men’s shorts. A polo shirt. Work apron. This was different.

He got over it.

He smiled and waved, sitting down next to her. They talked. He asked about the store and about what she was doing when she got out of work. She offered him a pink soda from a brand he didn’t recognize. She told him it was her favorite.

He offered to take her to a movie. She said she’d think about it. She said kids his age should go to the arcade.

A few days later they went to the arcade. He lost every game. He was so frustrated. She laughed and teased him. He got more frustrated.  She said he was cute. He supposed that was okay, she looked happy. She was amused that he was frustrated, but she didn’t specifically try to humiliate him…. This was new.

Shorter teased him, but not this much. But Shorter had also seen him almost kill a man. Vivian knew nothing about him…. Ash didn’t want her to know he had killed a man… or Men. Multiple men. He had never killed a girl, now that he thought about it. He shivered. That was a creepy though, probably not what most people think about on dates.

He knew a lot of people killed people like her….. Killed and dumped the body. Police never cared. It was the same type of thing that happened to people like him, though maybe worse… Other prostitutes were thankful they weren’t like her.

Stop thinking about that. Stop.

He made an excuse that this wasn’t his type of thing, this was kid stuff.

“But you are a kid!” Her accent was mild, but more pronounced now in her gleeful state. She cackled and reached down to ruffle his blonde hair with a sloppily manicured hand. He batted her away. Her gesture made him feel young and small. De-powered in a way that was tantalizing, but not exactly bad.

She was cute in her jean skirt and lipstick…. He must have been blushing.

On the way home, he asked her why she dressed like a boy at work. She said her aunt liked it. He asked why she dressed like a girl in her free time, she made a joke of ‘it would be a sin not to, looking this cute’. He asked if dressing like a girl made it easier to pick up men. She got quiet.

He kicked the ground. He knew that was a bad question. Men just did what they wanted, regardless.

She must have forgiven him, because she invited him back in a week, but he needed to re-schedule. Blanca was visiting…training, he reminded himself. He liked Blanca.

…………………………………………………………………………

He thought Blanca picked up that something was different. The tall man smiled and asked if there was anything Ash wanted to tell him. Obviously Ash denied it.

Ash missed one shot that day. Blanca told him that’s what happens when you’re thinking of a girl. It wasn’t accusatory, there was a light look on his face, and chuckle behind his eyes. Relief that his student was human. Relief that his student was taking interest in humans as things other than predators and prey.

Blanca asked how the Chinese boy was, if they were still friends.

 

 

………………………………………………………………….

Ash took Shorter to see her at work the next week. He explained her appearance to Shorter beforehand. Shorter's response was; "Yeah? I'm cool with that,"

He rolled his eyes and felt silly for worrying....of course Shorter would be cool with that. He always found all the weirdos and made friends; like he found Ash. 

Chinese boy was touching everything in the shop, making comments. The local Latino shoppers were eyeing them suspiciously.

“Shorter, you need to stop,” He hissed. They were definitely the odd pair in the store.

“Look! They have fried crickets!” He grabbed a bag and carried it with him.

Ash told him to behave.

After a while, Shorter bought the crickets. Him and Vivian snacked on them, trying to get Ash to eat one. Ash’s hair stood on end at the though.

The Shorter and her bonded almost instantly. He felt a twinge of jealousy. 

“You should try one~” She sang.

He protested, “I don’t like spicy, I’m white,”

She gasp, a dramatic flourish of betrayal. “Are you implying…”

“They are not the same flavor at all!” Shorter threw a few crickets at him, “Latin spicy and Chinese spicy are entirely different!!”

 “How would you know Shorter, you fried your taste buds with your own cooking. Your palate is garbage,” He would have stuck out his tongue if it wasn’t likely for Shorter to crush a bug against it.

“With all the fancy food Golzine feeds you, you’d at least think he’d introduce you to spices!”

“Who’s Golzine?” Vivian looked confused.

Shorter looked at Ash, terrified he fucked up.

 

Ash swallowed.

Should he tell her the truth? Shorter knew most of the truth.

 

“Um, Golzine is…..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Shorter and Blanca! I hope to have them make several cameos.


	3. Individuals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash has never wanted to be honest before. He had a lot to hide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is NOT abandoned. I have it all planned out and about half of it written and in need of edits. I was nervous to post more even before the fandom wank blew up. You see the tags. This is fiction.

He’d made up some bullshit about who ‘Golzine’ was. ‘Someone he lived with’. Rich adult who took care of him. Same BS he told Shorter, not entirely a lie. Though Shorter wasn’t content with that being the whole story. He knew of Ash’s assassination training to an extent. He knew Ash turned tricks occasionally. He didn’t seem to know the exact nature of the relationships, but didn’t pry. But Vivian…. Seemed to see right through him even with the limited information.

“Oh,” She had nodded, sound dying and fading off. She seemed to understand more than she meant to, but she didn’t bring it up again…..

            They had been friends for about a month now. He was now running off her almost as much as he was to Shorter’s. Her family wasn’t quite as welcoming, but he was glad he didn’t read as a threat. They preferred him to not just drop in like the stray animal he was.

He hadn’t invited Shorter along most times. He didn’t know why the feeling was bubbling in his chest, but he didn’t want the other boy to know her better than he did. Shorter had a better personality……. Shorter was funny and normal. Ash felt fake in comparison. He wasn’t ‘sweet’ like this, ….but he wanted to be. He wanted to be anything for her. He never worried about being fake before; anything to make the men like him, survive, use them, leave them…His niceness was a trap. Now…. He genuinely wanted to be good….

He dug his toe into the floor and bit his lip. Did he remember how to be genuine?

He thought of Griff.

Maybe Shorter? He didn’t hide motivations. He didn’t want anything from those two, he wasn’t using them. But Vivian? He wanted her time…. He debated if she wanted him to have that feeling.

Today he had spent her day off with her. They went thrift shopping because she wanted to. “The ultimate test of a boy,” She told him, shaking a finger. He blushed.

It seemed like a test to be a boyfriend. If this was the case, he could just lie and agree to everything she said, until he got laid…. but Shorter had told him it was bad to use people. And didn’t want to do it anyways; honestly getting laid didn’t seem all that great unless you were a sadist.

He’d spent $5 on her at the triftstore. He hadn’t planned on spending anything, she didn’t ask him to, he didn’t want her to owe him. He knew all too well what it was like to owe someone for unwanted gifts. …….but the shoes she wanted were out of her price range, and “They were so cute,” she told him, “And in my size. It’s so hard to find nice shoes in my size,” She had already found the items she needed, a jacket and bag to replace her tattered ones.

He glanced down at her scuffed boots. She was right, he could only recall two pairs of her shoes…. Not that he was looking at everything about her or anything.

Golzine always gave him things he could get money out of, whether he wanted to or not. $5 was nothing, but he didn’t want to tell her that. He’s sure the hundreds of dollars Golzine spent were just a drop in the bucket too.

He wanted to be genuine.

 

He visited her at the store a few more time and she put him to work, pointing at some heavy boxes, telling him “It’s a man’s job to do it,” even though she was obviously bigger and stronger of the two. She pointed out his shortness of breath, making a lewd joke about “How will you ever please a woman with that kind of stamina?” She caught the box as it was slowly slipping from his grasp. He hated it, but she seemed to tiptoe around the sorest spots. Their hands touch, and she looked him in the eyes and together they guided it to a high shelf.

“I wouldn’t be pretty if I was muscular. I like being pretty,” he shot back.  She made him lighten up.

She stopped moving the box. Offense in her eyes?  She looked down at him. She towered over him, stronger build. He felt small. He was pinned by that gaze.

 

“….are you saying I’m not pretty?” An edge of callousness in that question. Smudged eyeliner from yesterday not fully washed off her face.

Oh…. Oh. “I-it wasn’t about you. It was about me,”

“You’re saying it’s more attractive to be weak?” it was a judging tone, but giving him an opportunity out.

 

Ash froze. He wanted to back into a corner. “O- Ah… Most people think I’m more attractive when I’m weak. It’s not like I could be strong if I wanted anyways, my body is shit. Short and thin like a girl,” He knew the words were wrong as soon as they left his mouth.

 “What the fuck is wrong with being like a girl?!”


End file.
